In recent months, I seem to be going down a checklist of things I want to start doing again, but have been fearful to try. I know that I have to attempt them anyway regardless of my anxiety, as long as I feel that I can physically do them. It’s not easy to push myself to do things I haven’t been able to do for over two years. My confidence had taken an enormous hit. However lately, one by one, I seem to be facing my fears and accomplishing the things on my list. My confidence is starting to grow again leading me to attempt a new goal.
I didn’t know it when I woke up this morning, but I was about to face a challenge that I have been thinking about for a while. Driving on the highway again! I have had a lot of problems with severe eye strain which has lead me to not be able to drive more than a few miles at a time. When I was in the depths of my illness, I couldn’t drive at all. This past winter I did a round of Vision Therapy. It helped me once before and I was hopeful it would again. It definitely helped strengthen my eye muscles and as I started to feel better physically as well, I started driving locally. I would just drive a few blocks at a time. I felt like a brand new teenage driver, I was that nervous. Over time, I stopped being nervous and felt very comfortable behind the wheel again.
This morning, circumstances presented themselves in such a way that I had the choice to either drive on the highway, or let my girlfriend drive because I wasn’t ready or able to. It wasn’t a terribly far distance, but it was farther than I have gone in over two years. It also meant going on two different highways, not just one. It was a bigger challenge than I had planned on when I had thought about trying to drive on the highway again. My girlfriend and I discussed that I could pull off at any exit, or pull over on the shoulder, at any point I needed to and she could take over the driving.
I reminded myself how I used to love driving on the highway and how I never used to be nervous about it. Using a lot of calming self-talk, I got onto the first highway. I was so nervous! I think it was the speed that felt a little overwhelming, so I stayed close to fifty-five and let all the cars pass me if they wanted to. I used everything I had in my “bag of tricks” to quell my anxiety. Part of me knew that the only thing that was going to help me get over my fear was just doing what I was scared of doing. I then merged onto the second highway. Every step of the way to our destination I wanted to stop and pull over. But I didn’t. I knew that my eyes were fine and I knew that my driving was fine. It was just this darn anxiety that was kicking me in the butt. I kept going. I wouldn’t let it stop me. Finally, I reached my destination. Whew. I made it!
After we were finished with our appointment, I had a choice of whether or not I was going to drive home or let my girlfriend drive home. On the one hand I really felt that I had done enough for one day, but on the other hand I knew that the more I drove the less anxiety I would have. So without saying anything I got behind the wheel again and drove back. I still had anxiety, but far less than the first round. I know that the only way to feel comfortable and confident driving again is to continue doing it.
There is nothing easy about facing one’s fears, but it is well worth it when you can. I am reminded of an appropriate quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that reads, “You gain strength, experience, and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” It’s not that I didn’t think I had the ability to drive on a highway, but fear and anxiety were worthy opponents. In facing these feelings though, my strength and confidence are beginning to return. I am going to continue to check things off of my list because I am determined to continue to reclaim my life.
Inspirational Quote Of The Week – “Your fears stand between you and what you want. They’re worth facing!” ~Stephen C. Paul